I am a bit late to the game, but I just recently started listening to a number of amazing podcasts. Most recently, I found myself nodding in agreement to This Anthro Life, where the podcasters spoke of the importance of storytelling in our day and age. I could not agree more. I find myself thinking of stories more and more, as I help advise students on how to get internships and jobs both during and after their undergraduate years. Doing so, I found myself asking this simple question: why me? What about my story is so special that I can help others discover theirs? In thinking about and writing my story, I began to understand the key question that has driven my career thus far... it is one much bigger than anything I can address in one blog, or even in a year or two. It is, in fact a question that drives much of our lives: how can organizations anywhere get the people they need, and keep them happy, and engaged at work?
I share my story here as a way of pivoting this blog - I hope to add to the information out there for anthropologists, who are looking for new opportunities to use their anthropological skills for organizations of every kind.
So here is my story:
I attended the University of Michigan, where I had a dual major in cultural anthropology and social theory. Throughout much of my college career, I saw myself entering the Peace Corps or other volunteer service, and then entering the foreign service and maybe someday being Secretary of State. And while I haven’t ruled that last goal out completely, my life has taken me on a very different, but incredibly awesome path.
While an undergraduate I had the amazing opportunity to travel to Tibet, where I spent a summer and learned two important things. The first was that living far away from home in austere conditions was incredibly challenging both physically and mentally - and I wasn’t sure about three months, let alone a few years. I also saw abject poverty, and inequality the likes of which I’ve never seen, and wondered, “how did this happen?” This question led me to study the impact of corporations on issues of socio-cultural and political change while I then pursued a Masters of Philosophy in [International] Development Studies at the University of Cambridge.
Following my graduation, the desire to better understand corporate institutions led me to seek a career in the consulting world. I figured there was no better way to gain exposure to the world of business than by advising other businesses. I got my feet wet at the Corporate Executive Board, and later at Deloitte Consulting’s Federal Practice - where I only intended to stay long enough to pay off my debts. But, as it happens, life had other plans. I found out that I was good at consulting - good enough to get into a leadership and innovation fellowship called GovLab, where I was able to meet with brilliant thinkers in industry and learned how to apply their ideas to government issues. I co-authored a paper on the importance of diversity of thought - an issue I continue to research in my free time.
My appreciation of the complexity of how employers can get people who think differently, challenge assumptions, and ultimately lead to better organizational growth, deepened when I was offered the chance to manage research at the Partnership for Public Service here in D.C. I led a team of researchers, and had the amazing experience to interview and present to Deputy Secretaries, CIOs, CTOs, CHCOs and other executive leadership of both federal agencies, public policy groups, consulting firms and members of Congress. I helped them re-examine ways to get good cybersecurity talent into government, increase innovation, and identify the major management challenges facing the new administration.
The research I’ve done throughout my career, and exposure to client’s human capital issues has led me to conclude that there is one key challenge facing industries around the world, and that is: how can I get the people I need, and keep them happy, and engaged at work?
This question is so fundamental to how life unfolds. Finding a meaningful job, a good boss, and a schedule that gives you the ability to live the life you desire to have is a constant learning process. Just when you think you have yourself figured out and your plan set - you learn a new fact that calls your assumptions into question. That continues throughout life. Constantly learning and seeing new possibilities should not be the full of stress and worry - but seen as an opportunity.
There is no silver bullet that can guarantee you the perfect job. A liberal arts education equips you all with the skills you will need for success, and it is now up to you to communicate that to employers.
I look forward to sharing what I discover, here, and hopefully helping to add to the story that This Anthro Life hopes to promote.
Monday, October 16, 2017
Friday, June 9, 2017
Job Hunting with Epilepsy
This post is part of the Epilepsy Blog Relay™ which will run from June 1 through June 30. Follow along and add comments to posts that inspire you!
Since I last wrote for the Relay, my life has changed quite a bit. As many of you know, I was worn out from the whole working mom thing. I couldn't do my job well - the side effects of a grand-mal seizure, and increased medication levels messed with my memory and cognition. Which, when you are a manager at a DC think tank - does no good. I tried talking with my bosses to find reasonable accommodations - and they were really good about it. However, it was quickly becoming clear that something had to give... and it wasn't going to be my health.
So I left in mid-March, without a new job lined up. But absolutely spent. That first week I was hit by the stomach flu and laid in bed for most of the week. I slept a lot and it took me a good month before I felt the veil of post-seizure depression started to lift.
Slowly I started getting back out there, having informational interviews, dusting off my resume, and applying to dozens of jobs. But high in my list of job considerations is finding a place that respects my needs to have a calm working environment, that still provides meaningful work where I can grow, without the crazy expectations to be constantly going up the career ladder.
It. Has. Been. Hard. I look fine on the outside, and my credentials on paper make it seem like I am a go-getter. And I am - until I have a seizure. In the months after one, my brain is like a giant pile of mush. Some days I am coherent and can kick butt. Most days, however, I am just kinda ... there .. struggling to remember bits of conversations, trying to get myself organized, but just wiped out.
Ultimately I am looking for an employer who will accept me as I am, epilepsy and all. Where I don't have to try to explain away the days when I am foggy, or can't seem to concentrate, or sometimes cannot even answer questions in a coherent manner. Honesty has been my calling card as I interview. I have been pretty brutal in asking tough questions of employers about the nature of work, and hypothetical situations. I do it because I know that a work life that allows me to take care of my health and my family is of number one importance. That a 35-40 hour workweek is the maximum I can do. I have been dropped from interview processes for that reason, and I have turned down completely good job offers for that reason, as well.
That part has been difficult for me - to pass on opportunities that I know could be exciting and lucrative - that would lead to a life that in many ways would be "easier" financially for my family. But, I am just not willing to take that risk with my health. And the fear of a job taking too much from me is something I don't want to admit gets in my way of pursuing my dreams, but it does. I get mad sometimes that it is a lot more difficult for me to do tasks that I used to take for granted, or that I cannot take some amazing opportunities because I know the hours will be long, or I will need to be available to answer emails at any hour of the day or night. To look a perfectly good offer in the face and say, "Yeah this isn't really going to work for me."
On the upside, a lot of people I've been talking to admire my honesty in conversations. It helps us all see whether or not I would be a good fit for the organization and the job in question. Many people also respect my need to place myself and my family first - and in some cases I almost detect a longing in their eyes that say, "I wish I could do that!."
In the meantime, I keep taking one day at a time. Hoping that we can figure this thing called life out. And I remain hopeful that in the long run, my honesty will pay off, and I will find a job that helps me to provide for my family, stay healthy, be a good mom, and also enables me to be the worker I know I can be.
In the meantime, if anyone has any good leads - send 'em my way :)
 |
| Taking advantage of the time off work to get outside and enjoy the sunshine and scenery! |
NEXT UP: Be sure to check out the next post tomorrow by Kristin Quinn and Sunovion at livingwellwithepilepsy.com. For the full schedule of bloggers visit livingwellwithepilepsy.com.
Don’t miss your chance to connect with bloggers on the #LivingWellChat on June 30 at 7PM ET.
Thursday, May 18, 2017
A fun side venture
Hi friends! Over the past six weeks, I have had the pleasure of blogging for GovLoop. Its a media organization dedicated to helping federal government workers learn more about what is going on in politics and policy that impact their jobs. I've been following GovLoop for years, and since I am in the space where I have time on my hands, I've decided to try out some blogging.
At any rate, please do check out my posts. They have to do a lot with finding and keeping a job, as well as tips on disabilities and jobs, and how to handle failure. Here are a few of my favorites. I hope you enjoy and please feel free to comment and add your thoughts, too.
At any rate, please do check out my posts. They have to do a lot with finding and keeping a job, as well as tips on disabilities and jobs, and how to handle failure. Here are a few of my favorites. I hope you enjoy and please feel free to comment and add your thoughts, too.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
An invitation to rest
I can hear the rain gently falling on the window. A calm, pitter patter that soothes the senses. The world looks grey, bleary and beckons us to stay inside. To rest a while. To take off your shoes, curl up with a good book while all the dust and pollen and pollutants are washed clean, and the earth made fresh and whole.
In my own life, I've recieved this same invitation to rest. No doubt many of you could tell in my last blog post how exhausted I was. It was true - I was at the end of my energy reserves. I knew that something was going to have to give. This time, I knew it would not be me, my health, or my family. That left one option: in mid-March I left my job.
It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I truly loved my job (or perhaps 85% of it). Unfortunately, that other 15% that I didn't like was starting to loom larger and larger - demanding more time and energy than I had to give. Since my seizure in December, I hadn't recovered fully. I had issues with high level cognition, memory, and concentration. The harder I tried to make things work at work the more that any modicum of success seemed to elude me. I was crying on a daily basis - exhausted from the moment I woke up to when I would crawl into bed. I had no energy for even the simple things of life - and that worried me. I became increasingly concerned that I was going to have a seizure, and that is never a good place to be.
I raised this with my boss and with HR - hoping, praying that something else in the organization could be found that would be a better match. But, alas, that was not to be. The pace of my organization was increasing across the board - and I knew that simply changing jobs internally wasn't really going to give me the balance I needed. So it was with heavy heart, but ultimately a lot of understanding and compassion from those at work, that I left.
It has been a wonderful choice. When I first left, I felt like a failure. So many other women can do the working mom thing, why couldn't I? What kind of example was I setting for my daughter? How was I helping my family by leaving this job that I so enjoyed? Well, for one, I feel more like myself than I have in years.
I recognized that in leaving my work, my life and body was calling me to come away, to rest a while. And it has been good. I have been more present to my family and friends in simple ways that I had forgotten. I have energy to call people in the evening, or to do little things around the house that have been bugging me forever. And since my seizure two years ago, and the birth of my child, for the first time in a long time I feel physically and emotionally healed. I don't feel like the edge of my soul is worn ragged - snagging on every little inconvenience life throws my way. Instead, I've been told by a few people that there is a light in my eyes that hasn't been there for some time.
Sure, as a mom, I am tired, but it is the good tired you feel when you know your day and life has been worth living. I haven't done anything in terms of worldly success - no published papers, no tasks at work checked off. But I have been there for myself and those I love - and that has made all the difference.
Now - onto the interesting quest of finding a job with a culture that is a better fit for me. Somewhere where my desire to have meaningful work - but work that is not overshadowed by my life - possible. Where I can help others recognize truths in themselves to be the people they are meant to be; sharing their gifts and talents with those around them.
Also for any moms who read this - feel free to comment about how you either succeed or fail at this whole working mom/work-life balance thing. I think the reality of this all is not something that is discussed nearly enough.
In my own life, I've recieved this same invitation to rest. No doubt many of you could tell in my last blog post how exhausted I was. It was true - I was at the end of my energy reserves. I knew that something was going to have to give. This time, I knew it would not be me, my health, or my family. That left one option: in mid-March I left my job.
It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. I truly loved my job (or perhaps 85% of it). Unfortunately, that other 15% that I didn't like was starting to loom larger and larger - demanding more time and energy than I had to give. Since my seizure in December, I hadn't recovered fully. I had issues with high level cognition, memory, and concentration. The harder I tried to make things work at work the more that any modicum of success seemed to elude me. I was crying on a daily basis - exhausted from the moment I woke up to when I would crawl into bed. I had no energy for even the simple things of life - and that worried me. I became increasingly concerned that I was going to have a seizure, and that is never a good place to be.
I raised this with my boss and with HR - hoping, praying that something else in the organization could be found that would be a better match. But, alas, that was not to be. The pace of my organization was increasing across the board - and I knew that simply changing jobs internally wasn't really going to give me the balance I needed. So it was with heavy heart, but ultimately a lot of understanding and compassion from those at work, that I left.
It has been a wonderful choice. When I first left, I felt like a failure. So many other women can do the working mom thing, why couldn't I? What kind of example was I setting for my daughter? How was I helping my family by leaving this job that I so enjoyed? Well, for one, I feel more like myself than I have in years.
I recognized that in leaving my work, my life and body was calling me to come away, to rest a while. And it has been good. I have been more present to my family and friends in simple ways that I had forgotten. I have energy to call people in the evening, or to do little things around the house that have been bugging me forever. And since my seizure two years ago, and the birth of my child, for the first time in a long time I feel physically and emotionally healed. I don't feel like the edge of my soul is worn ragged - snagging on every little inconvenience life throws my way. Instead, I've been told by a few people that there is a light in my eyes that hasn't been there for some time.
Sure, as a mom, I am tired, but it is the good tired you feel when you know your day and life has been worth living. I haven't done anything in terms of worldly success - no published papers, no tasks at work checked off. But I have been there for myself and those I love - and that has made all the difference.
Now - onto the interesting quest of finding a job with a culture that is a better fit for me. Somewhere where my desire to have meaningful work - but work that is not overshadowed by my life - possible. Where I can help others recognize truths in themselves to be the people they are meant to be; sharing their gifts and talents with those around them.
Also for any moms who read this - feel free to comment about how you either succeed or fail at this whole working mom/work-life balance thing. I think the reality of this all is not something that is discussed nearly enough.
Friday, March 31, 2017
On being a guinea pig!
Back when I was first pregnant, I didn't realize quite how much I would start to feel like a human pincushion. Having epilepsy meant that I went in for lots of extra tests, bloodwork, and the like to make sure all was healthy with me and baby. I got so used to giving blood on a weekly basis that it started to not phase me at all.
And I was happy to do it - ...
So this week, I signed up to get an Embrace watch by Empatica and didn't realize that as part of it I would be participating in a study to see both how well the watch works, its accuracy, as well as additional information about certain biometrics. Its supposedly supposed to help in further releases of the watch, and its accuracy in predicting seizures. In reading their blog they also hope to add in more things, like helping you to know when you are too stressed and to take time to take a few breaths and calm down.
I've also been participating for a while on a study on women of childbearing age who have epilepsy. I've been registering information about birth control options we do or don't use, their 'efficiency' in preventing or helping us to get pregnant, and then while pregnant, my course of action. My neurologist also based out of The George Washington University Medical Faculty associates also studies epileptic pregnant patients. She has asked if I can be a part of her studies - and I've happily obliged.
Why do I do all this? Well, its not because of a love of getting stuck with needles... I actually hate that part. But rather because these opportunities intrigue me. I wonder what kinds of advancements are possible due to me sharing information - simple things really. I hate having epilepsy - it just is a pain in the butt. BUT(T) (haha see what I did there?) if my being a part of these studies can help others manage their conditions in the future, and could maybe even lead to a cure someday, then why wouldn't I participate?!
ps - Will post more on my experience with the Embrace watch too.
And I was happy to do it - ...
So this week, I signed up to get an Embrace watch by Empatica and didn't realize that as part of it I would be participating in a study to see both how well the watch works, its accuracy, as well as additional information about certain biometrics. Its supposedly supposed to help in further releases of the watch, and its accuracy in predicting seizures. In reading their blog they also hope to add in more things, like helping you to know when you are too stressed and to take time to take a few breaths and calm down.
I've also been participating for a while on a study on women of childbearing age who have epilepsy. I've been registering information about birth control options we do or don't use, their 'efficiency' in preventing or helping us to get pregnant, and then while pregnant, my course of action. My neurologist also based out of The George Washington University Medical Faculty associates also studies epileptic pregnant patients. She has asked if I can be a part of her studies - and I've happily obliged.
Why do I do all this? Well, its not because of a love of getting stuck with needles... I actually hate that part. But rather because these opportunities intrigue me. I wonder what kinds of advancements are possible due to me sharing information - simple things really. I hate having epilepsy - it just is a pain in the butt. BUT(T) (haha see what I did there?) if my being a part of these studies can help others manage their conditions in the future, and could maybe even lead to a cure someday, then why wouldn't I participate?!
ps - Will post more on my experience with the Embrace watch too.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Sometimes, epilepsy just plain stinks!
This post is part of the Epilepsy Blog Relay™ which will run from March 1 through March 31. Follow along and add comments to posts that inspire you!
I leaned over my toilet, cradling it almost like I was hugging my little girl. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply - and summarily vacated my stomach of the day's food. I had the stomach flu - courtesy of my little babe who picked it up from somewhere (as an infant, who knows just where). With every heave, I silently prayed to God to let it be over, but I also had a thought that I wasn't just vacating the contents of my stomach, but also purging my body and my soul of all the negative thoughts that have plagued my mind as of late, "I can't do my job... I can't write... I can't bathe my child alone... I can't drive... I can't be a good sister... I can't be an attentive wife... I haven't seen my friends in ages... nobody understands... I'm afraid I'll have another seizure... What if I have one and I hurt my child? ... I can't leave her alone... I can't leave my husband a single parent... what the heck is going on... uggggh.... my stomach!!!"
In short, its been a long couple of months. In my last blog, written before I went back to work, I had an optimistic view of all that had happened, and all that was possible. And that is still true - I have been so blessed. My post portrayed an optimism that is encouraging, uplifting, and very much who I am, as a person. Always looking for the bright side, always taking life as one big learning experience. But I'm going to be honest for just a moment and say this: epilepsy sucks - and that is a kind way to put it. The reality of being a mom, and being a mom with epilepsy is something I don't think any parenting book, or any blog or advice column could have prepared me for.
The majority of the past year has been challenging, just as it is for any parent who works. I went back to work in August and adjusted fairly well. I had my good days, and my bad days, and was starting to finally figure out the schedule between childcare, pumping, and getting everything I needed to accomplish in one day. Then, in early December I had a breakthrough seizure. It was very unexpected and scared the bejeezus out of me as I was holding my daughter at the time the seizure hit. Thankfully she and I were both fine - other than shaken up. But I wasn't expecting the aftermath and what would come with it.
For me, typically, the months after a seizure my brain seems to work in slow motion and incomplete thoughts and fragment. Having a child, and thus having less time to myself and less sleep has exacerbated these after effects to a degree I could not have foreseen. And this is most evident at work. Little details slip through my mind like sand through my fingers. Things and details I once noticed disappear into the ether - and I've tried every trick in the book to make them stick. Notebooks meticulously organized, planners on paper and on the computer, and my mind still betrays me. I forget conversations and meetings that I have had, and feel as though I am constantly behind as I struggle to keep up. I have great thoughts or think about items to-do, and if I don't write them down at that moment, or get distracted in any way, it feels to me like the thought never existed at all.
And struggles with work are something that any working mom can relate to - baby brain is a real thing (or so proclaims my neurologist). I just finished reading "Maxed out: American Moms on the Brink" It was a really interesting memoir that I think any working mom, and even some working dads, could empathize with - and it brought up much of these notions about especially in America we are not a family-friendly workforce. Take the very notion of work life balance. The typical mom faces a situation where she goes to work in the morning (after 2-3 hours of getting herself and child(ren) ready for work), puts in an eight hour day, eating lunch on the go, or at her desk. She goes home and gets dinner ready, helps with the kids, puts them to bed. And then often goes online, once again, to finish out the day's business. And that is if she is lucky. Many moms and dads don't have that flexibility. They don't have the time to go to doctors appointments, or take sick leave - or even a weekend.
In short, it's hard. It's hard for any mom to fight against this incredibly strong current - and it's hard for those of us with chronic conditions whose body necessitates a schedule that is no longer the societal norm. A true 40 hour workweek. With stress as my main trigger for seizures, I need time in the evening to decompress - the busier and the more hectic the day - the longer I take to decompress. I don't check email. I don't go back online to get more work done. I won't - I need the time to let my brain rest. And I would be lying if I didn't say that I was paying a price for that small need.
So what do I do instead? Where do I find purpose? While I know this isn't for everyone, my faith is what brings me that greater sense of purpose. It has comforted me and let me know that I am ok - just as I am... epilepsy and all. That I am enough - enough for my baby, enough for my husband, and enough for me:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.
Plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.
When you call me, and come pray to me, I will listen to you.
When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart.
(Jeremiah 29)
I also heard this song at a concert last week (music is often a refuge of mine, whether I am participating in creating it, or listening to it). And this song brought me to tears. After a very trying week, and feeling exhausted, this spoke words of comfort to me. While listening I had the feeling of being held and comforted, of knowing that I am not alone in my struggles. That there are others out there who know, who understand it, who get it. And there are others whose struggles are more demanding than my own - and my heart goes out to them.
There are times, days, seasons and years when I have felt I could do anything - and some people in this relay will share in that sense of empowerment. And there are times, like now, when I must rely upon the grace of others to receive the help I need. I do not like it, but I also know that in going through it, and only by asking for the help I need will I, in turn, perhaps make life that little bit easier for ones who follow me. From relying on my husband to drive me to do errands, like grocery shop, or be home so I can give our daughter a bath, or telling my boss that I need more time to complete my work and sometimes flat out fail at my job, to begging forgiveness of friends for having to cancel plans on them, or just needing to stay in to recharge my energy - I am dependent upon the grace of others to get through the day. And by recognizing that my life is a gift and that God will use my talents in His own way, and understanding at a deep level "thy will be done..." comes a moment, a glimmer of peace, comfort and rest.
By looking at our culture of go-go-go and saying, "no, no, no... this is not the life I choose, this will not be how I measure my success," is my own way of seeking peace in a time of tumult. The culture we are in today is one of incredible independence and self-reliance and it is very scary and lonely to go against that culture. But I believe it is a fight worth having, and that we have to work against this trend. Humans are made to live in community - we are a village and we are here to help one another. It is incumbent upon us all to help one another, and recognize that we each go through times and seasons of varying levels of effort and generosity.
We are all in this beautiful world together - and we have to share in each other's burdens. Thank you for reading as I share in mine.
NEXT UP: Be sure to check out the next post tomorrow by Karen C. at http://livingwellwithepilepsy.
I leaned over my toilet, cradling it almost like I was hugging my little girl. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply - and summarily vacated my stomach of the day's food. I had the stomach flu - courtesy of my little babe who picked it up from somewhere (as an infant, who knows just where). With every heave, I silently prayed to God to let it be over, but I also had a thought that I wasn't just vacating the contents of my stomach, but also purging my body and my soul of all the negative thoughts that have plagued my mind as of late, "I can't do my job... I can't write... I can't bathe my child alone... I can't drive... I can't be a good sister... I can't be an attentive wife... I haven't seen my friends in ages... nobody understands... I'm afraid I'll have another seizure... What if I have one and I hurt my child? ... I can't leave her alone... I can't leave my husband a single parent... what the heck is going on... uggggh.... my stomach!!!"
In short, its been a long couple of months. In my last blog, written before I went back to work, I had an optimistic view of all that had happened, and all that was possible. And that is still true - I have been so blessed. My post portrayed an optimism that is encouraging, uplifting, and very much who I am, as a person. Always looking for the bright side, always taking life as one big learning experience. But I'm going to be honest for just a moment and say this: epilepsy sucks - and that is a kind way to put it. The reality of being a mom, and being a mom with epilepsy is something I don't think any parenting book, or any blog or advice column could have prepared me for.
The majority of the past year has been challenging, just as it is for any parent who works. I went back to work in August and adjusted fairly well. I had my good days, and my bad days, and was starting to finally figure out the schedule between childcare, pumping, and getting everything I needed to accomplish in one day. Then, in early December I had a breakthrough seizure. It was very unexpected and scared the bejeezus out of me as I was holding my daughter at the time the seizure hit. Thankfully she and I were both fine - other than shaken up. But I wasn't expecting the aftermath and what would come with it.
For me, typically, the months after a seizure my brain seems to work in slow motion and incomplete thoughts and fragment. Having a child, and thus having less time to myself and less sleep has exacerbated these after effects to a degree I could not have foreseen. And this is most evident at work. Little details slip through my mind like sand through my fingers. Things and details I once noticed disappear into the ether - and I've tried every trick in the book to make them stick. Notebooks meticulously organized, planners on paper and on the computer, and my mind still betrays me. I forget conversations and meetings that I have had, and feel as though I am constantly behind as I struggle to keep up. I have great thoughts or think about items to-do, and if I don't write them down at that moment, or get distracted in any way, it feels to me like the thought never existed at all.
And struggles with work are something that any working mom can relate to - baby brain is a real thing (or so proclaims my neurologist). I just finished reading "Maxed out: American Moms on the Brink" It was a really interesting memoir that I think any working mom, and even some working dads, could empathize with - and it brought up much of these notions about especially in America we are not a family-friendly workforce. Take the very notion of work life balance. The typical mom faces a situation where she goes to work in the morning (after 2-3 hours of getting herself and child(ren) ready for work), puts in an eight hour day, eating lunch on the go, or at her desk. She goes home and gets dinner ready, helps with the kids, puts them to bed. And then often goes online, once again, to finish out the day's business. And that is if she is lucky. Many moms and dads don't have that flexibility. They don't have the time to go to doctors appointments, or take sick leave - or even a weekend.
In short, it's hard. It's hard for any mom to fight against this incredibly strong current - and it's hard for those of us with chronic conditions whose body necessitates a schedule that is no longer the societal norm. A true 40 hour workweek. With stress as my main trigger for seizures, I need time in the evening to decompress - the busier and the more hectic the day - the longer I take to decompress. I don't check email. I don't go back online to get more work done. I won't - I need the time to let my brain rest. And I would be lying if I didn't say that I was paying a price for that small need.
So what do I do instead? Where do I find purpose? While I know this isn't for everyone, my faith is what brings me that greater sense of purpose. It has comforted me and let me know that I am ok - just as I am... epilepsy and all. That I am enough - enough for my baby, enough for my husband, and enough for me:
For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord.
Plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope.
When you call me, and come pray to me, I will listen to you.
When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart.
(Jeremiah 29)
I also heard this song at a concert last week (music is often a refuge of mine, whether I am participating in creating it, or listening to it). And this song brought me to tears. After a very trying week, and feeling exhausted, this spoke words of comfort to me. While listening I had the feeling of being held and comforted, of knowing that I am not alone in my struggles. That there are others out there who know, who understand it, who get it. And there are others whose struggles are more demanding than my own - and my heart goes out to them.
There are times, days, seasons and years when I have felt I could do anything - and some people in this relay will share in that sense of empowerment. And there are times, like now, when I must rely upon the grace of others to receive the help I need. I do not like it, but I also know that in going through it, and only by asking for the help I need will I, in turn, perhaps make life that little bit easier for ones who follow me. From relying on my husband to drive me to do errands, like grocery shop, or be home so I can give our daughter a bath, or telling my boss that I need more time to complete my work and sometimes flat out fail at my job, to begging forgiveness of friends for having to cancel plans on them, or just needing to stay in to recharge my energy - I am dependent upon the grace of others to get through the day. And by recognizing that my life is a gift and that God will use my talents in His own way, and understanding at a deep level "thy will be done..." comes a moment, a glimmer of peace, comfort and rest.
By looking at our culture of go-go-go and saying, "no, no, no... this is not the life I choose, this will not be how I measure my success," is my own way of seeking peace in a time of tumult. The culture we are in today is one of incredible independence and self-reliance and it is very scary and lonely to go against that culture. But I believe it is a fight worth having, and that we have to work against this trend. Humans are made to live in community - we are a village and we are here to help one another. It is incumbent upon us all to help one another, and recognize that we each go through times and seasons of varying levels of effort and generosity.
We are all in this beautiful world together - and we have to share in each other's burdens. Thank you for reading as I share in mine.
NEXT UP: Be sure to check out the next post tomorrow by Karen C. at http://livingwellwithepilepsy.
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